daughters

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Absent Without Guilt (AWoG)

Life With Their Girls

Life with my 2 girls sometimes means life with just a bit less of me. Inherent in the reality of the “sandwich generation” is an understanding that sometimes the top slice needs a little more attention than the bottom. This degree of wisdom is not easily nor unilaterally achieved. There’s a transition that occurs over time in support of this new reality whereby the bottom slice is finally able to handle multiple layers on its own – an open-face sandwich of sorts. My teenage girls have done that so beautifully and warmly these last few months.

I like, love and appreciate my two girls for so many reasons, with unconditional understanding of my evolving priorities and direction placing extremely high on that list these days. There’s a selflessness they show in ways that others would not necessarily note. Without surprise to me, it’s not so much what they say or do that has highlighted their enormous capacity for understanding and compassion; it’s what they don’t say, imply or suggest that makes the balancing act an artful challenge rather than an exhausting struggle or losing battle.

The beauty of maturing love is seen and heard so differently and with such greater clarity through the actions and voices of my daughters. Simply overhearing my baby return from school and confirm with our visitor, the man I have adored since I was a little girl, the one who has consistently taken care of any needs or requests, that she’ll be in her room and to get her if he needs anything elicits a feeling of joy that can’t be adequately described. Watching my oldest walk through the door and head directly to him with a smile, greeting and hug that overflows with genuine warmth and concern, I’m nearly moved to tears. Having dinner in a crowded restaurant, the outsider at a table of three, I observe the hilarious interaction between the silly young one to whom I gave birth and the silly older one from whom birth was given, recognizing how much that laughter is needed by her this day, nearly as much as the food and water. There is no option but to join in the infectious and comedic insanity of the conversation.

With pride I can firmly establish that through these months, there have been no complaints when the environment is changed or altered, no arguments, denials or attempts to bargain, no sad faces in response to a request or decision…and the pinnacle of all potential reactions…no lavishly poured out guilt about any real or perceived impact. No guilt at all in fact. It is such an overwhelming experience to watch your children ascend to a position of greater maturity, recognizing that the needs of others, especially elders, will often supersede their own.

There have been and will continue to be moments that necessitate my absence. Without fail, my beautiful teenage daughters will confirm that His love, mercy and compassion reside in their hearts…but not guilt. To God be the glory.

 

 

 

 

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The Love Connection

It’s the seemingly insignificant moments that often have great meaning in our lives when we allow ourselves to see them in that way. Our hearts and minds are so easily lured to instances of grandeur that we sometimes miss the simple, yet breathtaking beauty of a single act of love shared right before our eyes. A spontaneous hug. An unanticipated answer of yes. A small sacrifice. A willingness to help because there’s a need.

As a mom, the breadth and depth of true love has become so clear. I had read about it, heard about it and sometimes thought that I saw it in others, but never with full understanding. My mom, my friends, even colleagues would describe how there is no greater love than that of a parent for a child. In fact, as a Christian, I knew that the greatest expression of love and sacrifice was that of God the Father for His Son….and for each of us as His children. What I didn’t know was that perhaps one of the most beautiful expressions of earthly love is a single act of kindness offered by the children you adore more than life itself to the parents who continue to love you more than life itself. Therein lies the love connection.

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Family Work Crew

There’s no remarkable story to tell here that defines that connection, just the beauty of the word “yes”. Yes, I’ll come with you as responded by Emma who rarely turns down an opportunity to enjoy her grandmother’s comfort cooking. (She’s made it very clear that no matter how hard I try, I can’t cook like her MeMaw.) It was followed by a yes from Olivia when I explained the trip was a mission of help and love which meant the possibility of work, even though I established no expectations of that, sharing that she could probably go in the lake while I worked. There was even a yes from my husband, followed by questions about what tools he should bring and a borrowing of our neighbor’s weed trimmer. Yes can truly be a beautiful thing.

Upon arrival, the girls could see how hard their grandparents had been working around the gardens, harder than they should have, with leaves in small piles, in need of two healthy young girls to finish bagging them. And they did, followed by assisting their dad in another area while I planted a few shrubs around the fountain. Their assistance wasn’t without sisterly arguments, fights, and scream-filled chases all across the lawn and around the house with Sprite coming out of one and on to the other. (Can there ever really be an “Olivia and Emma” story that begins and ends without the requisite drama that defines who they are?)

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New Life around the Fountain

While their contribution in the grand scope of lawn maintenance was small – raking and bagging what was left of the leaves – their willingness to do so yesterday was one of the greatest and yet most simple acts of connected love. They knew my parents could use the assistance. I think they also knew how much it meant to me. As we were leaving, I observed Olivia watching my mom, protectively trying to intervene and assist her in holding the leash of their very strong 2 year old Basset Hound “Sophie” as the three of them came outside to say goodbye to the four of us. While she may have exacerbated the excitement more than actually helping to control Sophie, her expression of love and concern for the two people I love so very much was the perfect manifestation of the love connection.

“You’re a Pain in my Ask!”

My girls are such creative thinkers. You just never know what their beautiful amazing minds will produce next. In fact, they recently came up with a new phrase for sharing their most heart-felt, intense feelings for each other. Struggling to keep it within age-appropriate boundaries, they somewhat successfully established a new pre-war response for those special moments, the ones that are indeed indicative of a pending battle…. “You’re a pain in my ask!”

With sadness I must share that they really don’t care for each other on occasion. Actually, they despise each other a good bit of the time, and during those times, the commentary can be quite sharp and rather cutting. I don’t know about your kids, but mine find ways to hurl the most sarcastic, brutal and insanely mean insults at each other on a fairly frequent basis.

The Loyde Café Sarcasm Served 24 Hours

Service with a Smirk

I understand the origin of the sarcasm (with great regret I must add).  In full transparency, there wasn’t a snoball’s (NOLA spelling) chance in #$!! that either could or would grow up in this household and not reap the benefits of socialized sarcasm. Interestingly, or not, my psychoanalyst once told me that sarcasm is a form of anger. If you dig deep enough…you’ll see it. So don’t dig. Just call it humor with an edge for now.

While sarcasm surrounds the predominance of that which leaves their mouths, they can actually be quite entertaining without its use. Truly, you just never know what words of wisdom, humor or oddness might exit at any moment. Feeling a sense of community and sharing right now, let me introduce you to more than just “You’re a pain in my ask!” Feel free to suggest the author in the comment section  – this could be fun.

  1. With eyes pointed like daggers at her sister she says “(Insert Name) always gets what (Insert Same Name) wants.” (apparently this daughter and “Jimmy” are one with the 3rd)______________
  2. Part 1 “(Insert Name) those are my cookies. I paid for those with my own money!”______________
  3. Part 2 “…and I’m eating it with my own mouth” (all food in our household is fair game unless branded with a Sharpie)______________
  4. “Karma is a (by eye contact only, knowing her limits). I love her, except when she happens to me.”______________
  5. “mom u cant luse something u dont have haha jk” (comment back to me on Facebook re: loss of coolness)______________
  6. Part 1 “Mom, post this picture. Come on. And put one of your clever comments.” (which I did post of her dressed in my
    Mocking her mother...Bluetooth and all

    Mocking her mother …Bluetooth and all

    clothes with Bluetooth on ear) ______________

  7. Part 2 “I’m so hot and professional at the same time. I’m the whole package.” (self-adoring comment made below the picture)______________
  8. “Who sings this song?” (the other sister answers) “Well let’s let them sing it.”______________
  9. “I am mad at her. Therefore I will be mean.”______________
  10. “I’m not obsessed. I’m dedicated and there’s a difference Mother!” (in reference to 1 Direction)______________
  11. “Is that a date?” (mom about the dried fruit on the cheese plate) “Yes.” (confirmed by grandmother)  “That’s something (Insert Name) never has.”______________

With that I’ll close with a note from my senior memory book written to me in 1983 by one of my teachers .

Kerrie,                                                                                                                                                                                                 Best wishes to one always there, whose smile bubbled with cynicism and humor. Remember to let humor stay with you even in the trying times. With this, you will go on. Take care. My special concern goes with you. J.Crxxxxx                                                                                                                                                                                           (Just watch those “comments”. They can cut.)

Goodnight everyone. Don’t forget to tip your waiters and waitresses.